the championship: march 31
(14) The Captain & Tennille creeped by (12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me 507-359
and were crowned MARCH BADNESS CHAMPIONS!
*
the championship: march 31
(14) The Captain & Tennille creeped by (12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me 507-359
the final four: march 26
(12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me undressed (7) The Eagles, Hotel California 1021-652
the final four: march 27
(14) The Captain & Tennille, Muskrat Love scuttled (4) Christopher Cross, Sailing 465-279
elite 8: march 23
(12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me finally stopped (3) Starship, Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now 488-458
(4) Christopher Cross, Sailing just kept sailing by (7) Barry Manilow, I Write the Songs 222-188
elite 8: march 24
(7) The Eagles, Hotel California evicted (9) New Kids on the Block, Hangin’ Tough 336-245
(14) Captain & Tennille, Muskrat Love shredded (8) Chuck Berry, My Ding-a-Ling 357-256
sweet 16: march 19
(9) New Kids on the Block, Hangin’ Tough deprogrammed & retired (12) Styx, Mr. Roboto 143-88
(8) Chuck Berry, My Ding-a-Ling donged (4) Milli Vanilli, Don’t Forget My Number 274-254
sweet 16: march 18
(12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me razed (1) Starship, We Built This City 305-275
(7) Barry Manilow, I Write the Songs closed down (6) Donna Summer, MacArthur Park for the season 154-141
sweet 16: march 17
(7) The Eagles, Hotel California escaped (3) Rupert Holmes, Escape (The Piña Colada Song) 292-227
(14) Captain & Tennille, Muskrat Love ripped and romped (2) Helen Reddy, I Am Woman 200-102
sweet 16: march 16
(3) Starship, Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now made a cassoulet out of (2) Rick Dees, Disco Duck 164-120
(4) Christopher Cross, Sailing lit up (1) Debby Boone, You Light Up My Life 189-170
ROUND 2 — march 10
(1) Starship, We Built This City demolished (8) Phil Collins, Another Day in Paradise 167-116
(12) Styx, Mr. Roboto delayed (4) Sheena Easton, Morning Train (9 to 5) 135-96
(14) Captain & Tennille, Muskrat Love toppled (6) The Carpenters, Top of the World 135-38
(4) Christopher Cross, Sailing sailed by (5) Michael Damian, Rock On 179-129
ROUND 2 — march 11
(1) Debbie Boone, You Light Up My Life lit up (9) CW McCall, Convoy 115-78
(8) Chuck Berry, My Ding-a-Ling (16) wasted Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville 184-91
(2) Rick Dees and His Cast of Idiots, Disco Duck extinguished (7) Billy Joel, We Didn’t Start the Fire 149-133
(7) The Eagles, Hotel California stopped (15) Kylie Minogue, The Loco-Motion 283-202
ROUND 2 — march 12
(3) Starship, Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now was not stopped by (6) Cher, Half-Breed 165-139
(3) Rupert Holmes, Escape (The Piña Colada Song) silenced (6) Lionel Richie, Say You, Say Me 118-99
(2) Helen Reddy, I Am Woman court martialed (7) Martika, Toy Soldiers 140-102
(6) Donna Summer, MacArthur Park ended the run of (3) Toto, Africa 185-184
ROUND 2 — march 13
(12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me eclipsed (4) Terry Jacks, Seasons in the Sun 336-314
(9) New Kids on the Block, Hangin’ Tough drummed out (1) Beach Boys, Kokomo 155-146
(7) Barry Manilow, I Write the Songs outsung (2) Kenny Loggins, Footloose 146-42
(4) Milli Vanilli, Don’t Forget My Number iced (12) Foreigner, Hot Blooded 137-105
the first round — march 1
(7) Billy Joel, We Didn’t Start the Fire burned (10) Eric Clapton, I Shot the Sheriff 291-280
(12) Styx, Mr. Roboto outprogrammed (5) Starland Vocal Band, Afternoon Delight 213-199
(2) Kenny Loggins, Footloose unstitched (15) Clarence Carter, Patches 267-218
(3) Culture Club, Karma Chameleon stomped (14) Captain and Tennille, Muskrat Love 300-103
the first round — march 2
(1) Starship, We Built This City smashed (16) Doobie Brothers, Real Love 190-116
(9) New Kids on the Block, Hangin’ Tough bossed (8) Minnie Riperton, Lovin’ You 177-72
(6) The Carpenters, Top of the World charmed (11) Duran Duran, Union of the Snake 131-106
(5) Michael Damian, Rock On rocked (12) Chris de Burgh, Lady in Red 125-120
the first round — march 3
(12) Charlene, I’ve Never Been to Me smashed (5) Sammy Davis Jr, Candy Man 196-65
(6) Lionel Richie, Say You Say Me overtalked (11) Tom Jones, She’s a Lady 114-109
(8) Chuck Berry, My Ding a Ling dinged (9) Paul Anka & Odia Coates, You’re Having My Baby 172-101
(4) Christopher Cross, Sailing jibed (13) Huey Lewis and the News, Hip to Be Square 182-135
the first round — march 4
(6) Cher, Half-Breed beat (11) Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney, The Girl Is Mine 145-81
(7) The Eagles, Hotel California outpartied (10) Eddie Murphy, Party All the Time 230-212
(1) Debby Boone, You Light Up My Life lit up (16) Hall and Oates, Method of Modern Love 141-102
(16) Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville outchilled (1) Steve Miller Band, Abracadabra 131-111
the first round — march 5
(8) Phil Collins, Another Day in Paradise defeated (9) Three Dog Night, Joy to the World 163-105
(9) CW McCall, Convoy rocked (8) Falco, Rock Me Amadeus 130-121
(4) Sheena Easton, Morning Train (9 to 5) vs (13) Norman Greenbaum, Spirit in the Sky 158-73
(12) Foreigner, Hot Blooded overheated (5) Freddy Fender, Before the Next Teardrop Falls 175-82
the first round — march 6
(3) Toto, Africa survived (14) Survivor, The Search is Over 178-134
(15) Kylie Minogue, The Loco-Motion outlasted (2) Rod Stewart, Tonight’s The Night 165-128
(2) Rick Dees, Disco Duck swamped (15) Jeff Healey Band, Angel Eyes 138-54
(7) Martika, Toy Soldiers drilled (10) Gerry Rafferty, Baker Street 134-87
the first round — march 7
(3) Starship, Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now muzzled (14) Kenny G, Songbird 317-293
(2) Helen Reddy, I Am Woman silenced (15) Steely Dan, Rikki Don’t Lose That Number 164-160
(3) Rupert Holmes, Escape (The Piña Colada Song) shook (14) Debbie Gibson, Shake Your Love 148-107
(6) Donna Summer, MacArthur Park outplayed (11) Gary Wright, Dream Weaver 162-142
the first round — march 8
(7) Barry Manilow, I Write the Songs wrote off (10) Billy Ocean, Loverboy 131-83
(1) Beach Boys, Kokomo stopped (16) Don Johnson, Heartbeat 157-150
(4) Milli Vanilli, Don’t Forget My Number muffled (13) Chuck Mangione, Feels So Good 191-47
(4) Terry Jacks, Seasons in the Sun undressed (13) David Lee Roth, California Girls 278-218
the 64 songs in march badness
March Badness is the most recent iteration of March Xness, a series of yearly March-Madness-style tournaments of essays about songs. Our writers each select a song from the tournament field, they write about it in whatever way they choose (praise, condemn, close-read, memoir, riff, stan, condemn, write about its cultural context, engage in nostalgia or memoir, etc). Each March we play the tournament, essay vs essay and song vs song. Each game runs for one day and is decided by popular vote. The winner advances, and we repeat, until we crown a champion at month’s end.
The champions of previous tournaments: Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” (2016’s March Sadness), Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” (2017’s March Fadness), Loudness’s “Crazy Nights” (2018’s March Shredness), and the Cruxshadows’s “Marilyn My Bitterness” (2019’s March Vladness). Who will prevail in 2020? You will decide.
The winner is what we’re after, but the journey and the difficult decisions are the real important part of this endeavor. To that end you can—and should!—read all the essays archived under each year’s tournament. There’s some brilliant writing and thinking in there. Consider playing past tournaments out with only you or someone you love or maybe are just interested in as the deciders, and see where it takes you.
Plus we have more original ESSAYS and POEMS relating to our current or previous Xness themes. Hit em up above.
2020’s March Badness
features the worst songs
to crack the Top 5
of the US Billboard Hot 100, 1970-1989
methodology
This year’s tournament is a little bit different, in that the Selection Committee selected 128 songs for the long list. We had more folks interested in writing for the tournament than slots available, so we did a lottery for those 64 tournament slots. Once a lottery number came up, the writer could choose any of the songs from the long list that had not yet been picked. So the 64 songs in the tournament represent the 64 songs selected by our contributors, not necessarily the definitively worst songs of the era.
Selection criteria: badness and an appearance in the Top 5 of the US Billboard Hot 100, 1970-1989.
Because we do not generally repeat songs included in previous tournaments, the Committee tried to avoid including one-hit wonders (so as to preclude future Fadness songs). However some were so bad that they truly merited inclusion. The Committee also relied, to some extent, on popular perceptions of these songs. So some of the songs on the longlist are songs that we did not feel were the worst, or even bad, but they’re commonly perceived as being bad.
We also tended to try and pick songs that were interestingly bad (or seemed like they’d be more interesting to write about) rather than songs that are simply limp or boring.
Many people love many of these songs! We love some of these songs! We hate some of these songs! We love to hate—or hate to love—many of these songs. What does badness even mean, anyway?
For us it doesn’t just mean cheesiness. And it doesn’t just mean songs that are out of date by contemporary sensibilities. So much of what we love—or hate—about music is tied to who we were when we heard the songs, and to lots of other subjective or cultural baggage.
So for a song to be included in March Badness, the Selection Committee required it to be bad along a couple of different axes, including, but not limited to:
Lyrical Weakness or Emptiness
Songs that Aged Extraordinarily Badly (racist, creepy, bad gender politics)
Poor Instrumentation, Production, Musicianship, or Arrangement
Failure to Achieve (especially for greatly talented acts, such as the Michael Jacksons and Paul McCartneys of the world)
Being Boring
Insipidity
Absurdity/Stupidity
Musical or lyrical incoherence
Popular Perception of Badness
Regrettable Cultural Impact
Insincerity, Cynicism, or Condescension
Shitty Cash-in/Sellout
Betrayal of a Band/Musician’s History/Musical Legacy
Here’s the longlist.