first round

(11) Jennifer Lopez, “Get Right”
stripped
(6) Sisqo, “Thong Song”
225-191
and will play on in the second round

Read the essays, listen to the songs, and vote. Winner is the song/essay with the most votes at the end of the game. If there is a tie, we will play a one-hour overtime (and repeat until we have a winner). Polls close @ 9am Arizona time on 3/7/24.

crysta parkinson on sisqo’s “thong song”

She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby, move your butt, butt, butt, uh
I think I’ll sing it again

In this, the Year of the Dragon, tell me what other verse captures 2000s dance music quite like Sisqó’s “The Thong Song” from Unleash the Dragon?
It’s okay, I’ll answer for you. Not a one.

*

I am a newly minted 21-year-old, and my girls and I are feral cats, hitting the dance floor in the standard uniform of ultra low-rise jeans and a cropped band t-shirt, paired with half a dozen jelly bracelets and Keds. One of my friends rocks a floral baby doll dress and Docs. Someone is probably wearing a belly chain, which we will inevitably be untangling in the bathroom later. Whatever. It’s fashion.
We are fresh off the Y2K scare, partying like it’s 1999 is in the rearview, and none of us has heard of a hanging chad. We are free in ways we definitely don’t appreciate, as there is no risk of video evidence. I am in the space between pager and flip phone, the iPhone is still seven years off and why would anyone who isn’t here need to know where I am, anyway?
The air is heavy with CK One, cucumber melon, and sweat, but when the first notes of “The Thong Song” pump through those speakers, my girls and I are “shakin that thang like who’s da ish / With a look in your eyes so devilish.”
To us, “The Thong Song” is an anthem of appreciation for the female form, and we own that shit, man. We are goddesses in our prime, 10 feet tall and bulletproof. It doesn’t matter that we are a bunch of (largely) white girls from the Pacific Northwest. We are making our “booties go da na da na” like it’s a full-time job that offers health insurance, thank you very much.

*

Once upon a time in Baltimore, inside the Light Street Pavilion in Harborplace, there stood a sweet tourist attraction called The Fudgery. The location closed down in 2018 (you may have seen videos from other spots on Tik Tok, like this one and this one), but what you need to know is this: The Fudgery is/was a candy shop where customers are serenaded with parodies and mash-ups by young employees stir and folds creamy concoctions with giant paddles. It’s a bit reminiscent of Pike Place Fish Market, only the crew is schlepping chocolate instead of throwing salmon. 
According to the Fudgery website, the entertainment is “off-Broadway, really off,” which made it the perfect place for the young members of a group that called themselves Dru Hill to get paid to rehearse. The quartet, made up of Mark “Sisqó” Andrews, Tamir “Nokio” Ruffin, Larry “Jazz” Anthony, and James “Woody” Green, were still teens working at The Fudgery when they signed with Island (later Island Def Jam) Records in 1996.
Sporting a platinum Caesar (thanks to a can of silver spraypaint) and those signature oversized leather outfits, young Sisqó (who likes to refer to himself as the Dragon after Bruce Lee) was the lead singer. Dru Hill had two albums under their belt when Sisqó’s first solo disc, Unleash the Dragon, would spring out of the desire of another member to pursue outside projects.
Released in February 2000 as the second single off that solo album, “The Thong Song” hit number one on the Billboard Rhythmic Top 40 and number three on the Billboard Hot 100. The song hit number one in New Zealand and did well on other international charts. I’d say the foray into independence worked out okay.
As the story goes, “The Thong Song” was born after Illinois producing and songwriting duo Bob Robinson and Tim Kelley (also known as Funktwons) sent over a batch of tracks for Sisqó to review. Funktwons were busy little bees at this time. According to MusicWorld, the pair was “changing the face of urban music,” working with Boyz II Men, Joe, Usher, and others when Sisqó’s manager, Kenneth Crear, reached out to let them know about the album.
Apparently the duo had one too many balls in the air, because when they sent over a compilation tape, they inadvertently included a 30-second snippet of an idea they had been working on for Michael Jackson among the tracks. The moment Sisqó heard it, he saw the magic of the combination of club pop and strings, and knew he had to have it. Robinson and Kelley tried to put the beat back in the box, but lucky for booties everywhere, they would succumb in what was sure to become an important moment in history.
Now all they needed was lyrics. That problem would soon be remedied when a date got hot and heavy and Sisqó saw a thong up close and personal for the first time (or so the story goes). Explicit and goofy, soon the song was everywhere, and you couldn’t get away from it if you tried.

*

During the highly serious research phase of writing this essay, I mentioned the song in casual conversation quite literally every chance I got. What do you remember about “The Thong Song”? What does “The Thong Song” mean to you, deep in the cockles of your heart? I quickly learned there is a common misconception that the song ran into legal issues because of a sample of the Beatles song “Eleanor Rigby.”
Legal troubles, yes. But not for the reason you might think.
While the original Funktwons track did include a sample from Wes Montgomery’s jazzy 1967 instrumental cover of “Eleanor Rigby,” which worked because Michael Jackson had owned the publishing rights to the Beatles catalogue since 1985. Sisqó handled that issue by working with violinist Bruce Dukov to remix the sample and make it his own. What he didn’t do, much to the consternation of those around him, was to clear the interpolation of the Ricky Martin song “Livin’ La Vida Loca” written by Desmond Child which was used throughout the song.
There was a lawsuit, followed by a settlement, and in the Vice documentary series “The Story Of” episode on “The Thong Song,” Bob Robinson shared that as a result, Desmond Child has more ownership of the song than anyone else involved. Oopsy.

*

It’s 2003, and the freckled foreign boy I would eventually marry has a mixtape floating around his cobalt and rust Tempo. I spotted it early on and glommed onto it, fascinated by this 700 mb Maxell CD-R labeled “Road Trip” in black Sharpie and the gift that keeps on giving that was its contents.
He burned the CD as a soundtrack to the frequent roadtrips he had been making from New Westminster, B.C. to visit a girl in Salem, Oregon that he was seeing before we met, and I am of the opinion that you can tell a lot of things about a person from a mixtape. 
Shakira belted “Underneath Your Clothes” between Pink and Pearl Jam. The Proclaimers bopped into The Beatles (“Baby you can drive my car, and baby I looooove you”). And right there on track eight, following the Procol Harum classic was “The Thong Song.”
If that mix isn’t thought-provoking, I don’t know what would be.
Obviously I knew I had to lock that shit down.

*

According to Katherine J. Igoe’s The Zoe Report piece titled “Evolution of the Thong,” the thong first made its (modern) appearance at the New York City World’s Fair in 1939, where it became a popular option among showgirls performing at the Fair as a way around the city’s anti-nudity laws.
Igoe wrote that the thong th-thong, thong, thong “emerged as the scandalous-yet-coveted undergarment of the ‘90s and early ‘00s” kicked off by Cher’s controversial thong bodysuit in her 1989 music video for “If I Could Turn Back Time”. It may have been a hot minute since the World’s Fair, but those anti-nudity concerns came into play again. Cher’s tush was removed from prime time rotations.
Cher walked so Sisqó could run (across a crowd of bikini-clad beach goers like Jesus on water). In consideration, Sisqó focused on showing thongs from the front and side. Less cheek, more imagination.
These restrictions, it seems, did not apply to animated booties. I’m not sure I was ever the target market for the MTV VMAs, but when I read of Sisqó’s “animated performance,” I assumed he must have been, I don’t know, enthusiastic. I was wholly unprepared for the twerking cartoon butts.
Sisqó told E! News in 2019 that after his song started to top the charts, he had a meeting with Victoria’s Secret, and they told him thong sales were up 80 percent.
Whether or not that is how the meeting unfolded, thongs were everywhere at this point. Lace, silk, cotton, nylon…we wanted the sleek silhouette without panty lines, but we also wanted to be just a little bit scandalous. We wanted that slightly trashy lace butterfly teasing just above the Paris Hilton’s velour track pants and hoped we could pull off Britney's teeny tiny straps over exposed hip bone look.

*

The journey to the top of the charts brought the team to all manner of places big and small, but the most memorable circled back to the King of Pop himself.
Sisqó shared in the Vice documentary that he remembers being four or five years old when Michael Jackson sang “Billie Jean” on TV. “When he did the moonwalk, I felt like the world stopped. That was the moment that I said, you know what? I think that’s what I want to do.”
Fast forward, and while we were all waiting to see how much of the future Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter predicted “In the Year 2000” (featuring the iconic falsetto of Richie “LaBamba” Rosenberg) would come to life, Sisqó was meeting his inspiration. In a 2015 column for Vulture about his biggest memories from this era, Sisqó wrote the story of meeting Michael Jackson in 2001, calling it a bucket list moment. “I was like, dude, I’m good. I don’t have to even sell another record after that. I met the guy who inspired me to want to do this, and he said I was dope.”
He wasn’t alone in his opportunity to work with the musical legend, either. Funktwon also got a call to work with Michael Jackson after the song blew up. 
“If you can give me something hotter than ‘(The) Thong Song’, meet me at this address. And it was the address to his recording studio,”  Bob Robinson said. “That’s the beauty of the path, you never know where you’re going to end up.”

*

It’s 2008, and western North Dakota is experiencing our generation’s version of the California gold rush, drawing droves of men from all over to the high-paying jobs of the booming oil field. As the housing market collapsed and the rest of the country struggled with the global financial crisis, oil prices rose toward a peak of $145 a barrel and work was plentiful. I’m one of the few women drawn, too, though my role is to write about the phenomenon rather than to sling pipe.
Reports of the man to woman ratio during this time vary, but sources like the BBC and the NY Times settle in on 10 to 1, so that’s the number most quoted. My bestie and I are used to being the only woman in a gas station or grabbing groceries, and venturing into the town’s only night club (I’m stretching that term to its full limits here) is a balancing act of vigilance and revelry.
We know we are in the fishbowl that is the DK’s Lounge lower-level dance floor, but we flirt with the shot girls and throw back plastic test tubes. The DJ is local and keeps an eye out from the box in the corner, spinning “The Thong Song” and taking requests, while we own our space and pretend we don’t notice the Axe in the air.

*

A song as wildly popular as “The Thong Song” is bound to wind up in popular culture. In the most recent examplem the song is featured in the trailer for the 2023 post-apocalyptic action comedy series Twisted Metal on Peacock, featuring John Doe (Anthony Mackie) and Sweet Tooth (Samoa Joe) engaged in a fight that is quickly diffused by a Thong Song sing-along.
In an admittedly problematic first season of Glee, Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison) is asked to help Emma (Jamya Mays) and Ken (Patrick Gallagher) come up with a mash-up of their ideal wedding songs. Emma wants “I Could Have Danced All Night” from My Fair Lady, but Ken? Well, Ken wants “The Thong Song,” cuz he needs something he can shake his money maker to. Hilarity ensues as Emma shows up for dance practice in her cousin’s ginormous Princess Di-inspired wedding gown (perfect for a beach wedding in Hawaii), and the pair end up a breathless heap on the ground, with Ken watching the entire thing from the hall. (Season 1, Episode 8)
“The Thong Song” has gotten some late night attention, too. Jimmy Fallon is clearly a fan, as he has taken on the song twice in his musical genre challenges, with the Backstreet Boys in a barbershop quartet, and with Jason Derulo performing an opera version in the Season 2 premier of That’s My Jam.
Panic at the Sisqó? Hello. This mashup was a gift bestowed upon us by Jimmy Kimmel in 2016, and I had no idea it was missing from my life until I laid eyes upon it.
Remixes and resurgences have been a part of “The Thong Song” lore practically since day one. 
My favorite came just a few months after the original, in the summer of 2000. The remix was recorded for the soundtrack of The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps, with a little help from rapper Foxy Brown, who opened the song by laying to rest any question as to who was in charge here: 

This thing right here
Is the official ladies anthem
Ladies, I want you to put your drinks down
Pull your thongs up
And grab the thuggest n**** on the dance floor
Uh huh and shake your ass

*

These days I’m all grown up and live in the suburbs. So are my girls, for the most part, and so is Sisqó.
These days, Sisqó is calling Maple Grove, Minnesota home along with his wife and two children. In 2018, he co-authored a children’s book with Dru Hill publicist Tilesha Brown called “Sisqo’s Perfect Christmas.” But family life doesn’t mean he’s letting “The Thong Song” fade into obscurity. He even took a cue from Glee and performed the song at his 2018 wedding to longtime partner Elizabeth Pham, complete with choreography. “It’s the gift that keeps on giving, just like an actual thong,” as Sisqó told Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest when he performed a remix on Live With Kelly and Ryan in October 2021.
And yes, he’s still doing one-handed cartwheels.
There’s probably just a bit more ibuprofen involved.

Crysta Parkinson can be found cheering on other writers on the internet and writing her little stories in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She's been known to do strange things like run for office, edit newspapers, and fall into deep research holes about Tupperware and 2000s dance hits.

Deanne Battle on “Get Right” by Jennifer Lopez

Dance floor, now. It’s an emergency. The horns direct you with a giddy urgency. Loop. Slick and infectious—Jennifer’s voice almost inscrutable over the audacious arrangement.  
2005. The funk of a newly minted college grad still wafts off of me. The world lets me pretend I know things. During these days, I dress in business casual and shove a cute, sparkling top in my purse. This is New York: practical, sexy, and ready for an afterwork happenstance. With a degree on my wall, sequin-top in my tote, and cash in my pocket, anything is possible. In 2005, I run into people I know, randomly, regularly, on the street. “Rise & grind” isn’t part of my vocabulary, but I could identify it in a lineup. This first job is a rite of passage. I’ll figure IT out. I’ll make my mark.
The first time I heard Jennifer Lopez’s “Get Right” I was walking by The Iguana. 
So we rarely made it inside The Iguana. The midtown lounge had a Latin menu and playlist; all YOU needed was the will to be saved…and maybe an “in” with the bouncer. We joked about it being a type of sweat lodge to detoxify yourself from over fifty hours a week of repression. This time—way before the masks arrive, but only a blink since the towers fell—is ours. That’s how it feels.
Inside The Iguana, gyrations and steam build up; inevitably, a patron emerges for fresh air. Dabbing at clumps of wet hair. Fanning the combustion away from its source. Their perspiration scorches the sky in white bursts before they return to their pleasure cave. Loop. Alas. The Iguana is at overcapacity by about 6:15pm. Nevertheless, you can stand outside and listen to the DJ spin.

“So much we’ve got to say but so little time/And if tonight ain’t long enough, don’t leave love behind…”

“Get Right” is an invitation. Defined as: getting drunk or high, doing something accurately or correctly, or doing something that puts you in the “right” mood. Loop.
“I'm about to fill your cup, so we can get right/Before the night is up, we can get right, tonight”. The dance floor is your vision board.
Don’t you want to escape? Jennifer beckons. At her best, Lopez represents the fiercest and most ambitious aspects of a New Yorker’s soul. I’m in your face. I look damn good. Whatcha gonna do? Some might argue, she’s limited talent-wise. Who knew a humble, “vaguely Mediterranean (let Hollywood tell it)” girl from the Bronx could get so funky? Watch the video for the cane sequence alone. This is a song with goals and intentions. 
“Soul Power” was the original groove by James Brown and the J.B.s; however, Rich Harrison does the right amount of zhuzhing so the new song stands on its own. His production peacocks on this track. The saxophone tugs you in one direction, and the horns will get you dipping it low. Moreover, two of Harrison’s previous successes, Amerie’s “One Thing,” and Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” ensure you’ll experience at least one booty quake before it’s time for a fresh Mojito.
“Get Right” is a great dance song. It reminds me that bravado and repetition of ritual can be fun when you find your loop.

Deanne Battle is a writer and teacher who divides her time between Philadelphia and New York City.